M.O.B. Vs. M.O.G.

Sharon Rumsey  0:00  
This one is for the mamas shout out to our most special ladies, the real VIPs, the mo B's and the emojis.

Kristina Stubblefield  0:08  
Who does want who pays for what? How do you not step on toes? How do you feel included? What special moments are meant just for you.

Michael Gaddie  0:19  
Take a well deserved break, Mom, put your feet up and take a listen as we help you navigate the sometimes unmarked pathways of wedding planning with your son or daughter.

Kristina Stubblefield  0:30  
You got engaged. Congratulations. Happy. Yes, joyful time. Of course. Now what timelines to do lists and checklists. 100% Don't worry, you're in the right place. Welcome to The Ring The Bling And All The Things. Hi, I'm Kristina Stubblefield, one of your host, along with my two good friends, Michael Gaddie and Sharon Rumsey. We have over 50 years of wedding industry experience between us. We have seen it, heard it, done it and found a way around it. We are here to get you from down on one knee to down the aisle. Our podcast will cover everything from you saying yes to the I do's and all that happens in between. So buckle up and enjoy the journey. Now let's get started with this episode.

Sharon Rumsey  1:41  
All right, this one is for the mamas. Because when your baby gets married, it's not just about the bride and the groom. It's about the whole family, the mother of the bride, the mother of the groom. These are very important people in that couple's life. And they want to know what they're supposed to do. So in this episode, we are going to break it down for you, and try to cover all of the duties of the mother the gram and all of the duties of the mother of the bride. And hope it helps these ladies out a little bit.

Michael Gaddie  2:12  
Well, I want to say, I mean being a married man with a awesome mother in law, and a great mother. When we Pam and I got married, I'm gonna tell you, my mother, and my mother in law didn't it was like all on water. And, and with me sitting here at this table and talking to lots of mothers, mothers of the brides and the brides. You can tell some are great, some are not. But it is a very difficult situation. Me being here first would say, hey, let's have a family dinner. Get together? What would you like my responsibilities to be from the groom's parents? And vice versa for them? I mean, you know, yes, tradition is that the mother of the bride and dad pays for pretty much everything except for the rehearsal dinner. But there are so many things that go on today. That really they don't even realize that they're responsible for. And the reason I mentioned that is because on my contract, I have a separate column for groom's duties and broads duties, or what they pay for. And just by having that contract separated, you would not believe how much easier it is for them to say, you know I'll have bride's mom say, well, they need to just pay for the whole thing. They don't pay for nothing else. I mean, I get a lot of different comments all the way across. But I just say Hey, take this contract, say if you want to be responsible for this, that's great. It's addressed to the groom, and it's dressed to their family, so they automatically makes it easier for them. It's just you know, when when the bride and groom's mom and the family mixes, it is a difficult time sometimes we did a wedding just not too long ago and they both the moms were great with each other. But it's it's a difficult time sometimes. And I think this is a good episode for the mom to listen to.

Kristina Stubblefield  4:20  
Well, as somebody that can say I'm very fortunate because my mom and Joshua's mom are, are great. Josh and I grew up three houses down from each other so our parents knew each other. But both of our moms were very fortunate because I know some other people who don't aren't fortunate to have relationships like that. And Mike, I really like what you said. It seems like so many of our episodes come back to communication. Like you said a sit down dinner just to open up the lines of communication can make a world of difference. The only thing I was gonna say is, if you don't live close to, if your families don't live close to one another, you know, I do think that it's great to have a get together before the wedding. Maybe that's to celebrate your engagement, where everybody can get to know each other. And maybe have that conversation that Mike had just talked about sharing. I'm sure you have some stuff to plug in here too.

Sharon Rumsey  5:22  
Well, I think it goes back to what we talked about in our budget episode, I think we called it the B word if anybody wants to go back and listen to that. But you know, one of the things we said there was, you absolutely have got to have that open, honest and frank conversation and when you get engaged, and when you start wedding planning, about what your budget is, and who's going to pay for what. And I think one thing we need to consider, you know, I, anybody who knows me knows, I completely adore my two sons. And I've been blessed with not only amazing daughter in laws, but they both have amazing moms. And we all get along just fine. But I, I think that one of the things we need to look at, too, I mean, I raised both of my boys as a single parent before Ron and I got married. So I think just to say everybody has to fit in this box. And this is traditionally what the mother the gram pays for. And this is traditionally what the mother the bride pays for. Not everyone has the same resources. So I think that well, there are traditions that that we can follow that will tell us what we're what traditionally was done. I don't think that that fits every single situation. And also, you know, sometimes once one side of the family expects a very high end, expensive luxury wedding, the other side of the family thinks that's silly. You know, so it just boils down to that good communication and, you know, talking about it in the beginning, you know, and Mike's right, I've been at very uncomfortable meetings. Honestly, a lot of the times abroad won't even bring both moms to meet with me, because they know that it's uncomfortable. But when they do, you can feel it right off if there's tension. And it you know, they start saying, Well, when I got married, and then the other one says, but when I got married, and that's that's where I have to kind of say, congratulations, you both got married, but this one's not yours. You know, and we need to talk about this wedding. And what we're going to do so I

Kristina Stubblefield  7:37  
can hear Sharon saying, Mike,

Michael Gaddie  7:39  
I can do

Sharon Rumsey  7:41  
exactly. But it is, you know, I do think you have to just give some grace, and try to see the other person's side. And honestly, as the mother of only boys, the mother of the groom role, it sucks. And I you know, I tell my clients that because you're kind of expected to show up, be a good soldier, do what you're told pay for what you're told to pay for. But you really don't get any input in anything. And that's a hard role to play for a lot of moms. So I think a lot of My Brides when we talk about it, and I say, you know, the mother of the groom wants to be involved. So what responsibilities Can we give her? How can we make her feel included. And when you start out in that mindset, it it pays off in huge dividends as you go through the next year wedding planning when you when you say I care about what you think, and I want you to be included?

Michael Gaddie  8:43  
Well, you know, this Pat, well, not this past, but the past few months, or a past month, we did a wedding together. And I have never ever seen two mothers so close, and wanted everything to be perfect for their son and daughter. And the thing about it is if both mothers would think about that, instead of trying to outdo the other, and just think about their kids getting married, it goes so much smoother.

Sharon Rumsey  9:13  
100% just put that couple first and, you know, kind of swallow your own pride a little bit and and move forward

Michael Gaddie  9:21  
well, too. And you know, I think in today's society, you know, traditions are not traditions anymore. They're not. I mean, I don't even think it's a bad idea to say, for the groom's mom to go to the bride's mom and say, Hey, we're here to help you. Do you want to split it down the middle? Or do you want us to take care of the flowers and the bartender or, or whatever it may be, I think they ought to get out of that tradition, thought and go beyond that because nothing is like it used to be

Sharon Rumsey  9:54  
and you know, again, when I talk about resources, I'm not just talking about money. I did a wedding recently where the grimms A father was a liquor distributor. So he was able to get an amazing deal on their alcohol. Why would you not tap that resource just because you know, it's the groom's parent. So

Kristina Stubblefield  10:13  
if you don't open up those lines of communication, you have no idea what those resources are. And I hate to harp on communication, but gosh, it can make life so much easier. It can make wedding planning so much easier. But Sharon, I have some questions that maybe you can shed some light on.

Sharon Rumsey  10:30  
I'll do my best.

Kristina Stubblefield  10:31  
I think some people always question, what about the bridal appointments? Let's say you have a bride and a groom. And we're talking about bridal appointments. is an I always hate singing traditionally. Because my my opinion was, I wanted the closest people to, to me that were able to go to go to that. It wasn't this person, you know, this row, that row, it wasn't like that.

Sharon Rumsey  11:01  
I think, first of all, I think it's up to the bride. What's her relationship with those people? How close are they, you know, but I have seen bridges built so quickly and so strongly, when a bride asked the mother of the groom to go to her dress appointment 99% of the time, that sweet lady is going to sit there and she's not going to say not one word, because she knows that's, you know, your mom's opinion is the most important to you. But to be again, to be included, to be asked to go is huge.

Michael Gaddie  11:37  
That makes a big difference. You know what that breaks the ice right there,

Sharon Rumsey  11:40  
says I value you

Kristina Stubblefield  11:43  
included, you're included.

Sharon Rumsey  11:45  
And you know, you got to give the mother the green Perdue she did something right, because she raised someone you love enough to marry. So that lady deserves your respect. So I think that that's a huge thing. As far as some of the other appointments, traditionally what I see, I see the mother of the bride at almost every appointment, the mother of the groom, every lady loves floral. If you ask a lady to go to a floral appointment, she's gonna go. And a lot of times what we're able to do, and Mike actually taught me this and can probably speak more intelligently to it is we go and you know, we go through the ceremony and the reception and we let the bride and her mom choose everything. But then if the mother of the groom is hosting the rehearsal dinner, we can then maybe let her choose some flowers for the rehearsal dinner that we can that the florist can match, you know, can coordinate. And then we repurpose those at the wedding after the rehearsal dinners over.

Michael Gaddie  12:52  
And that makes that event a little bit more special. Also, or in trying to include them to be in part of the wedding, even though it is part of the wedding. But I mean doesn't have to be separated. Or this is your party, this is our party. I always think it's good for the month, both moms to be here to get him included. And let them have a choice. I mean, I have more brides now that really say I had seven appointments today. And I'm not kidding in three of the seven. I said okay, let's see your Pinterest board or Pinterest page. The mother of the groom said she's got some great ideas. And she looked at me and she says I don't have a Pinterest page. And she says I really don't know this is where I need your help. But just by the mother of the groom kind of spoke to her and she you could tell she really appreciated it. Because some brides are not always, you know, computer savvy or writing things down. But they speak to the moms. And then they can relay that message to the vendors. And I think that's a good, that's a good way to keep them and I totally agree with us.

Sharon Rumsey  14:02  
I totally agree. I also really think that it's great to have not just the moms but all the parents if you can at a tasting, catering tasting you know, I just did one a couple of weeks ago and we had all four parents. And you know, the food is a huge expense that's probably next to your venue, well probably is going to even be more than your venue. That's your biggest expense. So it's an important important decision. So once again, you're telling those people that they matter that they're important. I think having them at the tasting as important as the mother of a groom. I also think it's really important to be at the appointment to pick out the formal wear for the men. I know I do a lot of appointments at Jim's formal wear with Mike's wife Pam and one thing that Pam taught me that I'll never forget is she does not like the bride to be there all the time because she thinks that the bride gets her big reveal You know, the Graeme seeing her for the first time in her dress. And it's kind of cool for the groom to have that moment as well. And the bride to see him for the first time.

Michael Gaddie  15:11  
She really she really does she she harps on that all he does, and I love it. And that's one thing too with the broad with the groom's mother and father being here. We've had a lot of both of those. But within being here with him, that's his part. That's their part, to come together and celebrate, you know, with that, and then exactly like you said, they're going to be able to be surprised both on both ends. When a bride comes in to for the groom to try his tux on. She makes her sit in the car. Yeah, I'm not I'm not kidding. She says, Honey, you're not gonna be in here? No,

Sharon Rumsey  15:46  
because for those of you who don't, who don't know, Mike and Pam, just like me, they also only have a boy. That's right. They only have a son. So Pam's like me, you know, he deserves his moment, too. So I totally get that. And I think another thing that the ladies can work together on that I love to see happen is an engagement party. Some of the big celebrations, you know, host the engagement party together hosts. We just did a shower, where both of the moms hosted a huge bridal shower together, split the expenses, 5050, both sides of the family got invited and the bride said, I don't want to be yanked around to five different bridal showers. I want one shower, I want everybody to be there. And then families where everybody gets along. That's just the best way to do it. I think they both

Michael Gaddie  16:37  
got up there and did a speech. And I thought it was wonderful. And they did it together. They did it together. And I thought you know what, that's the way the mom should be,

Kristina Stubblefield  16:47  
actually event that we'll have some footage on, correct? Yes, we will share with some of our list. Yep, that's coming very soon. Yes.

Sharon Rumsey  16:55  
I also think the mother of the groom has some very special roles. Because I know with both of my boys, I knew those boys were going to propose before they proposed. And I think it's really cool. To be able to help your son pick out that engagement ring. I was blessed to be able to do that with both of mine. And you know, to kind of think about my daughters in law and what what she would want. And I think that's a really special thing for the mother the gram to get to do with her son. I think that's really important.

Michael Gaddie  17:29  
Well, you all know that we have a lot of mothers listen to our podcast. And I think this would be a good place to say, you know, this is Christina always says, if you have any questions, or you want to have topics that we can cover, this would be the perfect one for the moms to jump in and email us, text us, whatever, and let us know what we can help answer questions for them.

Kristina Stubblefield  17:53  
You can even it's as easy as going to our website and send us a message. Or you can find us on social media and send us a message they are but we really do pay attention to that feedback in those questions. It's important to us so but now I'm not ready to hang this up just yet. Now, I want to talk about Sharon knows where I'm going next? Did it it? Uh, how about the showers? I know that you just mentioned a joint one. But and I know we talked about getting away from traditions. But I feel like I still hear a lot about a shower on each side.

Sharon Rumsey  18:37  
People do still do that. But honestly, when I talk to my Brides, and it's just them, me and two cups of coffee. They don't like it.

Kristina Stubblefield  18:48  
You because You mentioned while ago, it's like you're pulled in two different directions. And then there's something going back to communication. If you communicate with your mother and your future mother in law, you can say I'd really love to come together for one shower.

Sharon Rumsey  19:05  
That's sometimes logistically you know, if one bride's family lives out of town or something, there's really no way around that and I think it's still great, but i think that's that's one where we need to really listen to the bride and see what she wants.

Michael Gaddie  19:20  
Now, this is just me throwing this out there but I mean, and maybe I'm wrong, Sharon, but normally doesn't the groom's mom or the bride's mom usually does not throw a shower typically correct. It's usually usually the bridal bar honor or the bridal party or something like that, but we're seeing

Sharon Rumsey  19:39  
a lot more where it is family members. And I know I have one bride God lover. I think she ended up having six showers, showers because the groom was from a very small town in Kentucky. And it was customary there for the church to do a tea. So she had it He, then she had a shower with the groom side of the family, then the maids threw her a shower with like her college friends. Then her mom threw her a shower. And then an aunt threw her a shower

Kristina Stubblefield  20:16  
with you for like two years. So this was all spread out.

Sharon Rumsey  20:19  
I just know that every time I tried to meet with her, she was going to a shower, and I was like, How many are you have, and then she said, six, and I wanted one. So I think it's just something we really have to listen to the bride about, as far as showers go. Some of the other things that that you, you know, want to think about when you're thinking about the responsibilities of the mothers, the mother of the groom, does not send out the invitations, traditionally, because it's the bride's parents that are hosting the event. But what what the mother the groom can do to help with that situation is to kind of be the communicator for your side of the family. So when it comes to making that guest list, you know, your son is going to come to you, and he's going to want help with that guest list. So even though the bride's family is hosting, set down with your son, and soon to be daughter in law and go over who from your family should be invited, go over who should not be invited, kind of make that a and b list, and be in good communication with the parents of the bride. About how many guests you're going to be requiring at that at the event, because that will affect the budget. And that will affect how many tables and how many chairs and everything else. So you want to be in good communication. And then once those invitations are sent, you know, kind of help out and be that communicator when it's your side of the family. And we have to follow up because someone has an RSVP offer to take that on. So that it's not a stranger calling Aunt Millie saying Hey, are you coming or not? You know, it's it's let each side of the family column follow up on their own invitations.

Michael Gaddie  22:11  
Now, when it comes to Day of wedding, what do you feel like the moms, both moms, what's the role that they should follow?

Sharon Rumsey  22:22  
I think for the moms once we get to the day of I think it is. You know, if you've done your homework, it's game day. It should be automatic. I think both moms I love it when they just show up with an amazing attitude. And they come to hair and makeup when the schedule says they come to hair and makeup. They love hanging out with all the girls. I usually try to put the mother the Grimm early on my hair and makeup schedule, so that she can cut out and actually go hang out with the boys for a while and hang out with our son. And maybe help them get dressed and get ready. And have some photos with her son as he's getting dressed. Just like the mother the bride will have photos with the bride as she's getting dressed. For the mother, the bride, that's a really special time. When that brides dressing, I'm usually in there to get her ready to dress. And then I'll get them in their dress. for lack of a better word until it's time to zip our button or whatever we're gonna do. And then, you know to bring that photographer in and let mom help the bride, put her dress on and put her jewelry on maybe help her with her shoes, that's just a really special time. And it's always some of the parents favorite photos too. And same for the mother of the groom, you know, let him get down to needing to put his jacket on maybe, and then bring mom in and she can help put the jacket on maybe straighten his tie, help him put his tie on. Those are just really special moments that every mom is going to cherish. So I really like it when everybody just shows up with a great attitude and we get hair and makeup done and then they're there for those special moments. And then after that, honestly, you're a guest at your kids biggest day of their life is what you are. So really cherish those you know the mother Sundance is huge. cherish those moments, I always tell my couples to let the parents pick the song because they'll pick something that meant the most to them and, and just be supportive and just, you know, take it all in because it's such a special day.

Kristina Stubblefield  24:40  
I think that's awesome, Sharon. I mean, that's what it's all about is coming together as a family. You know, the couple is starting their own family. So to embrace your existing family. You know, you're merging those two together. And I think you just set it really good. They about embracing it being in part of the day, it's so much stress and anxiety can be involved in weddings. And I know having a wedding planner really helps a lot with that. But so many times that you've said it before the day passes you by. And all you have left as your video, your pictures, and those memories of the day.

Sharon Rumsey  25:22  
And you know, I think, I think a wedding planner is a necessity, I'm not, I've never hid that I think that that's kind of a necessity for any wedding. But I'm the wedding planner, I can't take the place of a mom. So I think being there next to your child, and you're my job is to make sure that your parents, and you are a guest at your own event. So it's my job to see that mom has tissues in her chair because I know she's going to cry that mom has a great photographer, I've put together a great vendor team, because she's going to get that moment where she helps you put your wedding dress on that once in a lifetime moment. But I think the best advice I could give to any mom is it's not about you. So, I hear a lot, you know, well I got my feelings hurt because this happened or I got my feelings hurt because they asked his mom to do this or her mom to do that. And, you know, none of that's worth none of that's worth your kids wedding day. So my best My best advice is just, you know, be team bride and groom and do whatever that means for for your child to support them on their wedding day.

Kristina Stubblefield  26:39  
Well, and I think you both said it really well, about the groom also because so much is so much is talked about when it comes to Brides, but also the groom and I love about what Pam does. I think that's such a special touch. But also sharing what you mentioned about those special moments between mother and son. Those to me are just to be as cherished as much as the bride and her mom.

Sharon Rumsey  27:05  
I'm telling you that dance. I can still tell you what song I can still see my son's face I can tell you exactly what he was wearing. Their their special, you know and and their eye and if I hear those songs on the radio, I will instantly start crying like I there's no doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing like it brings back that time.

Michael Gaddie  27:30  
Well it's funny because we were sitting there watching Pam when I was watching a movie other night and the mother of the bride I mean the mother of the groom and the groom was up there doing their dance and Pam goes I will not be able to make it through that. I said she's me. She's just sitting there talking about it. She started crying. And I'll be crying watching it.

Sharon Rumsey  27:49  
I know my oldest son he did it. He didn't let me pick the song and he wouldn't tell me what the song was. So when I got up there and the song started playing it instantly came to me what it was and you know he and I had talked about that song before and he had said from like middle school when I get married that's the song we're gonna dance to. And I cried through the whole entire thing the pictures are horrible. I don't cry pretty I'm not like a soap opera crier. I'm like a devastated runny nose crier and I don't care it I won't take that I wouldn't take that memory back for anything.

Michael Gaddie  28:28  
This has been a great episode Can we get some

Sharon Rumsey  28:31  
pictures to you? No ma'am.

Kristina Stubblefield  28:35  
That you I can I bet you I know who can give me that? No ma'am. Um, now this has really been good and I'm glad that we talked about this topic. And Mike I agree with you. This I think opened us up the opportunity for people to reach out to us if they have questions or there's certain topics that they'd like to see us cover. I think this could maybe be the thing well they didn't talk about this or I wish they would have mentioned that reach out to us email us just contact us on social media.

Sharon Rumsey  29:05  
And honestly I know those questions are out there because every wedding I do the moms reach out to me with questions. So I know those questions are out there I know those Mama's are listening. Here's your chance like it's time to it's time to bring us the questions

Kristina Stubblefield  29:20  
because we like putting our podcast out there for everyone brides. grooms engaged couples family members wedding party. The whole kitten caboodle we'd like to cover tight always cracks me

Sharon Rumsey  29:30  
up whenever we do a wedding show. And so many moms come up to the booth and go I've listened to every episode. truth that is this one. This one's for you guys.

Kristina Stubblefield  29:41  
Absolutely. Okay, well on that note, I believe we can wrap it up. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you like what you hear and you love the ring, the bling and all the things please take just a minute to go to your favorite podcast platform and Sheeran what should they do?

Sharon Rumsey  29:56  
Leave us a glowing five star review.

Kristina Stubblefield  30:01  
Okay Mike, until next time. See you later.

Sharon Rumsey  30:05  
Bye guys.

Kristina Stubblefield  30:19  
Thank you for tuning in to this episode of The Ring The Bling And All The Things. If you like what you heard, make sure to hit the subscribe button to get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also visit our website, theringtheblingandallthethings.com for past episodes, and make sure to connect with us on social media. If you would like to help us get the word out about this podcast, make sure to share with your family, your friends and anyone you know in the wedding business.

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